I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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