I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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