hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
