I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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