I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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