he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize