I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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