We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
