just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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