Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
