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is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
