I didn't shave. On purpose
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Randomize