I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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