I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
