i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
