A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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