There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
