omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
