I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
