he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
