She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
