i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
