I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
