He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
