What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
accomplished twins. life is a go
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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