Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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