You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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