She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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