Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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