I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
