In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
