We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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