I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
