Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize