At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
