I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
