when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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