he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hippo gnu deer
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
