No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
