I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
