Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
