Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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