To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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