see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
