i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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