Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
