you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
