I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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