im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
