his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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