i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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