trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
