somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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