Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
P.S. I can't hear my feet
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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