Can i not drive my cunt home
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
